Recovering +letting go of tradition+healing+personal growth,+self discovery.

 He knew I wasn´t what he was looking for or wanted in a partner after 6 months of dating. 

five years of my life vanished. I had a gut instinct that something was not quite right but I chose to ignore it because I loved him. Every night before going to bed, I got on my knees and prayed to Our Lord.

Every night I tried to understand if I had done anything wrong if I was the one who made this relationship so Bad. I begged & asked God to make me understand what I did wrong. 

no emotional support during pregnancy. during my doctor's appointment, I was by myself, the same as being home alone. he only showed up to one doctor's appointment to make sure I was really pregnant.  when Ava was born my ex-grandma stayed with us and helped me with the traditional postpartum recovery process they perform on women when they have a natural birth instead of the C-section. my daughter was born when COVID-19 spread everywhere. 

HISTORY fact about my Ethnic group ( The Fang) The birth of a girl in the Fang community means that the role of a fang woman will play throughout her life since the knowledge of an entire village resides in her hands. " without woman, man would not have taken a single step forward". A Fang proverb.  the Fang ethnic group maintains traditions for the good of the family and the village, where the roles of women and men play an important part in preserving the legacy.

 The firm belief of our elders that men should not show any emotion or affection towards their women is interpreted as being DEBIL" weak."

 From one generation to another majority are emotionally damaged by childhood traumas. I was told to stop acting like a victim, I'm too sensitive, I should not cry because crying is for white women, If I wanted the relationship to work everything was up to me, we don´t have to do couple stuff like in the beginning of the relationship, it was only for the beginning,  I don´t communicate, I don´t listen. My ex told me all those things and more. 

 I was born in Guinea E. I didn't get a chance to fully understand our tradition and culture for I was raised in the USA. Coming back to my roots ( Guinea E) I was very skeptical about dating Guinean guys yet after talking to my dad I ended up settling for my ex who was using the love-bombing technique and got to me😁. 

I had no idea about the importance of the typical traditional fang woman role. after spending a lot of time rambling with my own thoughts. i had time to sit down with myself and my subconscious to process my emotions. my mental health is important and everything is better with God. I had the honor and pleasure to talk with some of the elders for some good and life advice. 

starting by admitting my mistakes and faults. 

1- Not knowing and understanding the Fang culture. I didn´t understand when my ex kept saying and repeating to me that his family is important. while I believe both families are important his and mine, but my interpretation was that his is the one that matters the most because of his actions.

2-Codependency- I was not aware that I was doing it. I only focused on him and wanting to do everything with him and only him and I completely forgot that I also exist. 

3- Not Communicating- what I really felt, wanted, or needed in the relationship. I don´t like to repeat myself if I'm talking to an adult that's for children. The few times I expressed myself I received crumbs or nothing. by not expressing any complaints, he assumed that I had no problem with the treatment he gave me. If i have to tell a man how he should treat me and value me when he knows exactly what he has to do and he doesn´t do it, its because he doesn´t want to and I allow him to. I avoided fights, rejections, and conflicts with him just to be on good terms with him. hes petty responses followe by mean answers not caring for my feelings. 

4-Silence-not talking about the things that affected me or bother me and what he did that caused me emotional harm. 

5-  Putting him on a pedestal. for me he was everything and I didn´t know what would happen to me If we separated. 

6- Not loving myself. I forgot to be selfish and put me as a priority. I did everything for him and I never received an appreciation or a single thank you. I forgot I matter and that i deserved to be treated with love and affection. 

conclusion: I understand that Fang men marry & choose women based on the fact that they share the same culture and tradition. If I was to submit to all the needs and wants of my ex I would be denying myself the opportunity to love a man who is emotionally available, healed of his childhood traumas, and past relationship feelings, someone with self-love, compassion, who cares about me, whose actions and words aligned, who fears God, who respects, honors me, appreciates my effort and I appreciate hes effort as well, who loves me the same way God loves both of us as his children, someone whos grateful to have me in their life same as Im grateful to be in his. 

Fuck the Fang Tradition. My happiness is more important than tradition. The Fang values tradition more than feelings. Why dismiss the fact we are made from love from our Almighty Father. humans have hearts. we are not made of stone. our mothers and grandmother were silent for years. they had to swallow their pride. accept the cheating, disrespect, humiliation, poor treatment from their spouse, forced to stay in a marriage for their children. I cry so much when told to be in that position and I am grateful I am not married to Ava's dad it would involve me going through all of that accepting it as a normal thing.

 I know right from wrong. I was in a relationship where I was treated with love and respect before so when I settled for Avas dad I knew that I didn´t deserve  the hurt that's why I'm grateful that God got me out of that relationship.🙏